The Not-So-Grand Introduction

Who are the people at Zion Family Homestead? Have you ever sat down to write an introduction to something, or someone, and felt like the topic was so large that you just had no idea where to get started? Yeah, that pretty much describes this first post’s timeline. I’ve decided upon starting something like this, “Hi. I’m Papa.” Bold, right? But wait, there’s more. “Hi, I’m Papa. As of writing this, I am a 32-year-old reformed Atheist, Mormon, Australian, living in Washington State of the USA on a homestead with my family. Of 14. 7 of whom are my grandkids.”

“Alright, what gives!?”

I can hear you
I can hear you…

I can hear you. Even though mind-reading is my wife’s talent, not mine. “32 years old, 7 grandkids, what, did you enter the dating pool at age 9?!?” No, I married up in the world and was blessed to inherit my children from my wife’s previous marriages. Then they all had kids of their own. Then they all moved back in…


You might not think that makes those kids mine, but I take my role as “Papa” of this family very seriously. While my kids might not think of me as “Dad” I think of them as mine, and my grandkids, all of whom have known me as their Papa from the get-go, know that they’re my kids and I’m their Papa.

Who are all these people?

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let me explain the strange names you’ll be seeing and introduce the crew a little bit. My wife, Lala, and I have been going by our titles for a fair while now, and I’ve been creating nicknames for my grandkids for the last few years. We decided, when we discussed creating this blog for our family endeavors, that we would use these nicknames for two reasons: First, to preserve a little anonymity and privacy. Secondly, to identify a little of our personalities… Besides, why on earth would it matter to you what our names are?

In order of seniority, I am blessed with the following children: Our daughters Hurricane and Perfection, our son Grouchy, Perfection’s husband, Handyman, Grouchy’s wife, Sleepy, and our 7 grandchildren, Orangutan (or Vanity Smurf), Monkeys 1, 2, 3, and 4 (also known as Cold, Hungry, Stinky Bubbles, and Clumsy), plus Banana, and Bruce (occasionally known as Blueberry). Those are spread out through the three children and their spouses, one for Hurricane, 3 for Perfection and Handyman, and 3 for Grouchy and Sleepy.


I know that can be a little confusing. People have stood in front of me asking questions with this interesting combination of confusion, interest, and horror, as they try to work out exactly who lives on our homestead. So to make things a little easier, I have prepared this lovely flow-chart.

Zion Family Homestead - As Stick Figures

Sorry, art is NOT what I bring to the table.

But why are you all blogging?

Great question. Even if I wrote it myself. Our joint blog was Lala’s idea. She had been reading a lot of different blogs and whatnot and realized that we had in our homestead an unusual blend of talents and abilities that could make for a great blog. She didn’t have to work hard to sell the idea to Handyman, but Perfection and I were holdouts. I actually came around to her way of thinking AFTER starting Zion Family Homestead. At first, you see, we were just writing about whatever came to mind. But then we learned that one thing blogs are really for, is helping people.

We really like helping people.

So how is Zion Family Homestead helping people?

We have the opportunity to help with a lot of things. We’ve decided to focus on something that is a passion for most of our family. Our homestead. We believe in preparing for the worst and our biggest ultimate goal is complete self-sufficiency. In other words, any and everything we need, done right here on the homestead, by the family. It’s an enormous goal that we may never realize, but we enjoy the challenge and striving. If you have an interest in being more self-sufficient and prepared for whatever life might want to throw at you, this is the place for you. Whether you’re prepping for a zombie apocalypse (Sleepy is REALLY hoping for that one, for some reason), for the vagaries of life, or for the second coming of the Savior, being prepared and self-sufficient offers amazing peace of mind and stability.

That’s us, in a nutshell. I have slowly cracked open the nutshells and told you more about everyone here at the Zion Family Homestead on a one by one basis. We all have unique skills and pursuits that make this an interesting place to live and, together, we make this thing work. Check out the cracked nuts below for more details!

Cracked Nutshells


  1. Pingback: Introducing Cold, Hungry, and Stinky Bubbles - The Three Monkeyteers - Zion Family Homestead

  2. Susan Gurzell

    I love the garden boxes. Prop 65 in California says the galvanized metal roof panels are cancer causing. Have you read anything about this? Is it safe to grow my veggies?

    1. Papa

      Thank you for your question.

      Since it requires acidity to break down the zinc coating that galvanized steel has, and most garden soils are neutral, there’s little to no impact. Nothing from the panels leach off into the soil.

  3. Bonnie Rand

    For your perfected dill pickles. At what point do you slice them as it seems like for the lime to work well the cucumbers would need to be sliced or quartered??

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